


i've been praying, i never did before

by thepriestthinksitsthedevil (stubliminalmessaging)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Asexual Character, Coming Out, Gender Identity, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, Social Media, Texting, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, minor Louis/OMC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 23:32:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10932306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubliminalmessaging/pseuds/thepriestthinksitsthedevil
Summary: Harry Styles fell in love two weeks into his first year of high school in an almost-empty classroom during lunch time on a Thursday. He was late getting to the first Gay-Straight Alliance meeting because there was a huge line for the microwave in the cafeteria, but his watch said he was only behind by two minutes which he supposed wasn’t too bad.Or: Harry pines after Louis for four years and has some gay adventures along the way.





	i've been praying, i never did before

**Author's Note:**

> phew! i'm so glad that this is done and i'm finally able to share it with everyone :) i wrote this for the larry high school fic challenge and i honestly could not be happier with it
> 
> some acknowledgments: thanks to [rachel](http://yslsaint.tumblr.com/) for the last minute beta and to everyone else in the aimh gc for allowing me to bounce ideas off them. also for supporting me so enthusiastically! love y'all!
> 
> bonus props to [jada](https://jadawns85.tumblr.com/) for helping me plot the fic out and for providing me with the chemistry pun hehe
> 
> as usual, i ran ideas by [kit](http://mymomthinksitstheflu.tumblr.com/) and what i mean to say is that i have a load of fantastic sounding boards in my life and i appreciate every single one of them
> 
> one last thing: **this fic contains a toxic, unhealthy relationship involving 17 year old louis and a 26 year old man. there is also a line that strongly strongly implies that louis' boyfriend pushes sex on him and that he doesn't completely consent.** if that is something that you do not want to read, i have put a warning in bold at the beginning of the scene and then a bold line at the end of it so you can know when it's over.
> 
> anyways, enjoy!! drop a kudos and/or a comment to let me know what you think, or yell at me on [tumblr](http://thepriestthinksitsthedevil.tumblr.com/) :)

Harry Styles fell in love two weeks into his first year of high school in an almost-empty classroom during lunch time on a Thursday. He was late getting to the first Gay-Straight Alliance meeting because there was a huge line for the microwave in the cafeteria, but his watch said he was only behind by two minutes which he supposed wasn’t too bad.

 

A few eyes turned his way when he scurried over to an empty seat and set his lunch down on the desk in front of him. The desks were arranged in a horseshoe with three desks sitting at the opening of it and Harry’s future husband occupied one of them. A girl sat on either side of him, and Harry desperately hoped that he was an example of the G in this particular GSA.

 

The girl to Harry’s crush’s left put a manicured hand up and waved, bowing her head in acknowledgment as she began speaking. She had dark skin and frizzy voluminous curls.

 

“Hi everyone,” she began, voice steady and sure. “Welcome to the GSA. I’m Leigh-Anne, and I’m one of your three co-presidents. I’m also a lesbian, so that’s why I’m here.” She paused to address the room seriously. “You absolutely don’t have to disclose your gender or sexuality during this meeting or at all, but we’re going to tell you ours because this is a confidential, safe space for people of all sorts.” She let that rest for a moment and Harry’s heart raced when it seemed like his future husband was going to introduce himself. Before he could, the girl on his other side spoke up first and Harry bit his lip impatiently as he eyed the boy.

 

“Hello,” the girl said, voice melodic and rich. “I’m Jesy, and I’m another president of the GSA. I’m a bi trans girl, and I’m due to start Hormone Replacement Therapy early next year.”

 

She paused to give the lead to Harry’s boy, and Harry held his breath when he clapped and grinned. “Here’s to Jesy going on HRT!” he cheered; and Harry probably applauded too hard and too eagerly but he just  _ needed _ this boy to look at him. Jesy smiled and flushed prettily, throwing her arm over the boy’s shoulder and giving him a quick hug.

 

“So I’m Louis,” the boy chuckled, flashing a smile that left Harry feeling weak. His eyes sparkled as he spoke, and Harry was dazzled. “I’m currently the School Gay Boy ™ , but I’m looking forward to changing that!” Harry barely restrained himself from thanking God for blessing him with a perfect beautiful gay boy for him to pine after.

 

Harry zoned out while the three of them talked about the club and how they came to be the presidents and how they’ve elevated the club since last year when it was small, inactive, and boring. He was so busy planning his and Louis’ wedding, specifically what dress silhouette would look best on him, that he missed the first introduction that new members of the club had started doing after the panel of presidents had finished talking.

 

Fortunately, the cute, curly-haired boy sitting next to him seemed to be taking notes, for some reason. By peeking at the notebook he was scribbling things down in Harry caught up, learning that the blond boy at the top of the horseshoe was named Niall. He was asexual and Irish (apparently  _ very _ Irish, since Harry’s neighbour had underlined the word three times). Harry paid attention when the next boy started speaking, momentarily distracted by the slow blink of his long eyelashes.

 

“I’m Zayn,” he began, voice low. “I’m trans.”

 

Harry felt a little bad for how shy and reserved this boy seemed, and he hoped that over time he might come out of his shell. He imagined Zayn’s smile was probably nothing short of breathtaking.

 

A cheery looking blonde girl sat next to Zayn, and she introduced herself after giving him a chance to go on if he wanted to. “Hi, I’m Perrie,” she started, chewing gum loudly in an obvious jaw motion but instead of finding it annoying, Harry was just charmed. “I’m cis and bi!” She gestured to the girl sitting next to her, who she clearly had been chatting with before they started talking because she smiled and began immediately.

 

“I’m Jade,” she said. “I’m…not sure what I am yet. Definitely not straight, though.”

 

“Well even if you were, you’d be absolutely welcome here,” Jesy told her, and Harry felt light and happy at the atmosphere of the room until he realized that he was next.

 

“Erm - I’m Harry,” Harry said, voice coming out croaky before he cleared his throat. “I’m gay.” He tried not to stare exclusively at Louis while he spoke. He shrugged. “Just happy to find some people who are open and accepting. Haven’t really made a lot of friends yet.”

 

“Well we’d absolutely love for you to find friends in this club,” Leigh-Anne said, gesturing to herself and the other presidents who nodded along. Harry couldn’t help but notice that Louis seemed pretty focused on him; he tried not to read too much into it.

 

“We want you to feel like you can trust us and that you can come talk to us about anything you might be feeling stressed out about,” Louis insisted, still staring at Harry. “You can come talk to us about  _ anything _ .”

 

Harry smiled at him, finally looking away, towards the boy sitting to Harry’s left scribbling furiously. He looked up when everyone went quiet aside from the tiniest bit of chatter as Perrie whispered to Zayn and coaxed him into giving her barely audible answers. They go silent when the last boy starts talking.

 

“I’m Liam,” he began. “I’m gay. It’s really nice to meet all of you.” There are general murmurs of agreement and smiles exchanged all around. The group’s attention is pulled back to the top of the horseshoe when Louis tears a page of paper out of a coil-bound notebook with a dramatic flourish.

 

“I’m gonna pass this paper around,” he said, writing headings for the columns near the top of the page. “Please write down your contact info on it. Just your name so we can add you to the Facebook groupchat, your e-mail, and your mobile number if you’re comfortable sharing it. We won’t text you much but then we have lots of ways to get ahold of you if we need to. We’ll give you our numbers too so that if you are in crisis and need to talk to someone, you’ll have some options.”

 

The productive part of the GSA meeting ends then, with them all passing around Louis’ contact sheet. They spend the remainder of their lunch period eating their respective lunches and chatting. Harry fell into an easy conversation with Liam about school and what classes they were each taking. He paid attention to the other boy and enthusiastically agreed when he suggested they study together for the history class they were both in, but he couldn’t help how his eyes wandered over to where Louis had pulled a chair up to sit across the desk from Zayn. The tone of his voice was boisterous but he kept the volume down, clearly trying to coax the shy boy into talking to him. Harry couldn’t hear their words but Zayn cracked the first smile Harry had seen from him yet, a tiny little thing that barely seemed like a twitch of his lips. It was dazzling, but Harry couldn’t take his eyes off of Louis.

 

The meeting ended and Harry had to hurry to pack his lunch away and get his stuff from his locker in time for his next class. Because he was in a rush Harry got scarcely more than a communal goodbye addressed at the entire group from Louis which wasn’t enough but it’s what he got. That is, until he got home and thumbed through a flurry of notifications including a friend request from Louis and a handful of other GSA members and an invitation into a groupchat that had his phone buzzing nonstop all night.

 

-

 

The first night Louis made the groupchat, he, Jesy, and Leigh-Anne posted their mobile numbers in the chat so that the rest of the members could have them to contact them if they needed to talk. Harry had put all three numbers into his phone (barely resisting adding a corny emoji after Louis’ name) and told himself that that would be that. He has their numbers in case of an emergency, and he would talk to them in the groupchat any other time, like every other person in the club. Like a normal kid in a normal GSA with a totally normal crush on another boy. Totally normal.

 

Then the weekend rolled around and every spare second Harry had, he was thumbing through his phone and found himself staring at Louis’ contact. He hovered over the button to start a conversation with him, then locked his phone and set it face down on his desk to keep himself from giving in to the temptation as he worked on his homework.

 

He thought he heard his phone go off and instantly rationalized that maybe his mom was experiencing an emergency and that if he ignored it until he had done his reading, she’d probably  _ die _ . With that in mind, he picked his phone up and unlocked it, only to find that the notification was just an email from one of his professors reminding him to review for a test he had in two days. He sighed and slumped down in his chair, scrolling through instagram as something to do.

 

Twenty seconds later he sighed and set his phone down on desk, drumming his fingers against the edge of it as he searched his brain for an emergency to use as an excuse to text Louis. He retrieved his phone and tried about twenty different false starts which he deleted every time. He stared at the blank space on his screen where he was meant to type his message and bit his lip, opting to throw caution to the wind.  _ louis it’s harry. i need your help _ , he typed, hitting send before he could stop himself.

 

He only had to agonize over Louis’ response for a couple minutes, before he texted back, Harry’s phone practically frantic as it buzzed.

 

_ what _

 

_ harry, what’s wrong? _

 

_ do you need me to call you? _

 

Harry panicked a little at the last text.  _ no you don’t need to call _ , he fumbled to hit send before Louis tried to call him.  _ i’m not in crisis or anything _

 

_ well that’s good, _ Louis sent him back.  _ but what did you need my help with ?? _

 

Harry froze and stared down at his phone. What did he need Louis’ help with…? Other than with his embarrassing crush, that is. Harry doubted even a highly trained specialist could help him with  _ that _ .

 

_ i need you to help me pick out clothes _ , Harry sent him, because  _ of course  _ he did. He panicked, his fingers fumbling on the keys so that he had to go back and fix every two words of his message before he deemed it suitable to hit send.  _ i’m going on a date tonight and i need to pick an outfit. can i send you pictures and you can tell me you think looks best? _

 

Harry frowned down at his phone. Why did he choose that, of all reasons, to text Louis? Nothing was more likely to make your crush think you’re appealing and available than by saying that you’re going on dates with people.  _ it’s my first date with a boy _ , Harry continued to ramble, as if that would make his case any less weird.  _ i want to look nice _

 

_ you already look nice _ , Louis told him, making Harry’s heart lurch in his chest.  _ that jumper you wore during the gsa meeting was the prettiest colour and it fit you perfectly. you don’t need any help getting dressed mate _

 

Mate. Not exactly romantic terminology.  _ i like the way you look and dress. i think i should dress a bit like you _

 

_ but you don’t normally dress like me….you shouldn’t try to look like someone you’re not _ , Louis replied, and Harry’s heart promptly melted. How was heaven still functioning when it was missing its purest sweetest angel?  _ i won’t tell you how to dress like me, but i will help you pick an outfit if you want _ . Harry’s grin split his cheeks when Louis immediately followed up with;  _ but a harry outfit! i expect you to show me things that are purely you! _

 

Harry barely stifled the urge to squeal before he panicked thinking about what to wear to seek Louis’ approval. He glanced down at his current outfit - a black v-neck tee and black skinnies - and decided to start there. He got up and went to the full length mirror on his closet door and looked himself over, plucking at the fabric of his t-shirt until it fell properly against his chest. He snapped a quick picture and sent it to Louis, sitting down on the edge of the bed and bouncing lightly until Louis answered him asking where they were going on their date. Harry replied that it was dinner and a play and Louis said,  _ ew, harry, you can’t just wear a t-shirt to see a play. put on a shirt with buttons on something, come on. you know better _

 

Harry bit his lip to keep from giggling out loud and went to his closet, pulling a button down shirt, sweater vest, and high-waisted tweed trousers. He dumped the whole pile on his bed and changed quickly, popping his collar and putting on a tie to complete the look. Once his collar was fixed, his tie was straight, and all his buttons were done, he took a picture in his mirror and sent it to Louis, then captioned it with:  _ too many buttons? ;) _

 

_ wow, layers much?  _ Louis teased.  _ you’re cute as a button but you look like you’re suffocating h! _

 

Harry tugged off his sweater vest and threw it on the floor, then stood in front of his closet and tapped his foot for a moment. He ran his fingers over the different garments, pushing them around on the hangers while he thought. His fingers paused stroking over a garish yellow button-down patterned with red flowers.He finished stripping and then tugged it off the hanger, shrugging the shirt on and buttoning only the bare minimum of the buttons to prevent his nipples from being exposed. He changed back into his black skinnies and posed in the mirror, snapping a quick picture.  _ better? _

 

Louis took a bit longer to reply this time, and Harry briefly wondered if Louis had maybe fallen asleep or gotten bored and gone to do something else. But then he did text back, while Harry was shimmying his hips and stroking poses in the mirror, and Harry nearly dropped his phone as he struggled to dig it out of his pocket.

 

_ that’s _

 

_ almost there _

 

_ one more ? we’re so close, i can feel it !! _

 

Harry looked through his closet one more time, at a loss at this point. He had a lot of patterned shirts like the one he was wearing; but he doubted they would be enough since they were similar, and Louis had said it wasn’t quite enough. He only owned like two pairs of jeans and a nice pair of slacks in terms of trousers so he really didn’t have any other options and none of his nice shirts seemed to be doing it for Louis.

 

He pursed his lips and thought about clothes he had in his dresser and immediately dismissed them - his dresser was full of t-shirts and hoodies and oversized jumpers, which apparently weren’t nice enough for Harry’s fictional date, according to Louis. He was just about to text Louis and tell him that he didn’t have anything aside from t-shirts and bright patterned button downs when he remembered the shirt he had shoved to the back of his t-shirt drawer. He opened the drawer and shoved aside his other shirts until he felt the delicate fabric of his sister’s shirt that he had nicked from her room since she left for college.

 

The pattern had been what had entranced him first when he had seen Gemma wear it for the first time. Harry loved flowers of all sorts and the roses printed on the garment made him feel romantic and pretty just looking at it. He’d unintentionally sought it out every time he’d been in Gemma’s room since then; his eyes drawn to the sliver of floral fabric he saw as he walked past her closet. At first he only thought of holding it and allowing the soft material to brush against his fingertips. Soon after that, he thought about having his own pretty floral clothes and that was how he found himself taking the shirt from Gemma’s room and hiding it in his.

 

It was weeks before he could bring himself to even look at it again and every time Gemma so much as looked at him he thought it was because she somehow  _ knew _ and was going to call him out for it loving flowers and soft things and feeling pretty.

 

Gemma never brought it up to him or anyone else as far as he knew but Harry still never brought it out unless the house was empty and his door was locked and curtain closed. He told himself it was because this was just for him but the truth was that he was terrified of anyone seeing him even looking at the item with longing, nevermind when he finally pulled it on for the first time.

 

The top fit tight across his shoulders but had stretched out a little bit since he had started wearing it. The soft fabric felt heavenly against his skin. His nipples pebbled almost immediately when they brushed against the fabric, pressed out against the thin front of it. He loved how it sat wide under his collarbones and cut just under his rib cage but left his stomach exposed. He felt cute and pretty and a little sexy when he wore it, and he flushed with shame the second he sent it to Louis, flopping down face first on his bed, contemplating throwing his phone in the toilet to avoid looking at it for as long as possible.

 

Harry didn’t throw his phone in the toilet, but he did toss it across the room and into his basket of dirty laundry. He barely heard it when it vibrated a few minutes later, and he crawled off his bed and across the hardwood floor to retrieve it and meet his fate.

 

Harry had expected to see harsh words of ridicule and for Louis to never want to talk to him again. He had never told anyone about how he liked his sister’s things when he wasn’t supposed to so he didn’t really have a basis to compare the experience to, but he was certain that Louis was going to call him a freak and look at him with disgust anytime they saw each other at school after that. The last thing he was expecting was  _ don’t you think you’ll be cold in that ? at least put on something high waisted on the bottom so your tummy doesn’t freeze ! _

 

Harry stared at the text and read it repeatedly. He probably wanted to marry Louis Tomlinson and have a herd of children and a house and a cat and a dog with him, holy  _ shit _ .

 

-

 

Harry felt bowled over by his feelings for Louis after that, and he was kind of in his own little world when he was at school. In class he daydreamed about kissing Louis and holding his hand and maybe even going to the beach with him and seeing him topless, and when he had any spare time he was hanging out with Louis (and the rest of the GSA but mostly Louis) and doing all the time same things except while also talking to Louis. His new friends were probably annoyed but no one said anything about it, and that probably had something to do with the fact that they all got along swimmingly amongst themselves.

 

Zayn and Liam talked about superheroes at every given opportunity, and the girls liked to do karaoke together in Perrie’s basement. Niall and Jesy had a standing date to check out a new recipe one of them found online once a week and at least one night each weekend Louis texted Harry about how hopelessly baked he was; Harry knew he was hanging out with Zayn and maybe Niall. His phone lit up with snaps of different pairs or trios of the GSA hanging out and having fun and Harry spent all his spare time with them too. He played FIFA with his boys and watched romcoms with his girls. Jade straightened his hair once on a dare from Louis ( _ never again _ ) and he and Liam went to the gym together while Louis wandered around, pretending to try the machines. They saw movies as a group with Louis whispering comments and jokes in his ear the whole time so he couldn’t tell you the plot of the film if you’d asked, and all of them (except for Niall) gathered in Zayn’s buddy’s basement to get secret tattoos of screws on their ankles. He’s cringed and fidgeted and bit his lip through the pain, but seeing his own tattoos echoed on Louis’ tan slim ankles made his chest feel like it might burst.

 

He’d been half in love with Louis the first second he saw him, and he’d gotten another quarter of the way there the night Louis hadn’t ridiculed him for his secret interest in pretty delicate things, that had to have been the reason that he missed something as big as Zayn and Perrie flirting, hanging out, and eventually getting together.

 

“So when did this happen?” Louis asked with a mouthful of food, gesturing with his fork to where Zayn and Perrie held hands while they ate with their other hands during a GSA meeting in early October. Their eyes met for half a second before they looked away, looking guilty but pleased with themselves. Perrie beamed, and Zayn kept his eyes glued to his lunch with the exception of the occasional glance up to see the reactions of the different members of the club.

 

“Saturday,” Perrie replied slowly; her cheeks had to hurt from how hard she was smiling. Harry felt giddy just looking at her; her joy was infectious. Niall was sitting on Zayn’s other side. He whooped and hollered and clapped Zayn’s back in congratulations, prompting Zayn to crack a smile, and Harry felt even better seeing that. Zayn was still shy and reserved, but Harry liked to think he’d come out of his shell at least a little since they had started having their weekly GSA meetings and hanging out constantly outside of the club.

 

Jesy went to the cafeteria to get a celebratory giant chocolate chip cookie that was so huge that they all managed to get a little piece of it. Harry watched Louis suck melted chocolate off his fingers and smiled for Perrie and Zayn, wondering if they would ever be eating a celebration cookie for him.

 

Later that same day saw Harry FaceTiming with Louis while he did his homework and Louis worked on learning a new song on his keyboard. He kept striking up upbeat tunes and making up funny lyrics each time he messed up, making Harry giggle. It was immensely hard to focus on his art project when Louis kept arguing the merits of subtly working a penis shape into the tessellation project he was supposed to be working on, but Harry wouldn’t give up talking to him.

 

Louis was just making up a line about Harry’s extra nipples to the tune of Fur Elise when Harry thought of something he’d wanted to ask Louis earlier.

 

“So do you think Perrie and Zayn dating will create drama in the club?” Harry asked, fishing but trying to be as sly as possible. (Empirical evidence suggested that he was possibly the least sly person on the planet.)

 

“It’s already creating drama in the club,” Louis grumbled, hitting the same key sluggishly as he lifted his head to look at Harry. “It turns out that Liam likes Zayn.”

 

“What?” Harry squawked, tossing his pencil down onto his half-finished art project. There was no way he’d be getting his focus back on it now in the face of juicy gossip. “You know that for sure?”

 

“He told me,” Louis confirmed, nodding animatedly. “Said he wanted to talk to me after school today so I gave him a ride home. We sat in front of his house for like half an hour while he poured out his heart and soul to me.”

 

“Shit,” Harry sighed, leaning back in his chair. “So he’s upset then?”

 

“You bet your sweet ass he is,” Louis replied and Harry tried not to physically react to the endearment. Louis was looking at his keys again but of course the second that Harry is being embarrassing would be the second he would look up at his phone. “He was so upset he wouldn’t even make out with me,” Louis said, exaggerating his pout but Harry couldn’t see or hear or think anything beyond Louis apparently wanting Liam to make out with him.

 

“You asked Liam to make out with you?” Harry asked, surprised by how level he kept his own voice when his soul was shattering and his heart was in his throat. “Does he usually do that when he’s upset?”

 

“No, but I thought why not give it a try,” Louis shrugged. “He’s hot; kissing hot boys generally makes me feel better. I thought he’d appreciate knowing that boys do want to kiss him. But apparently none of that matters because I’m not the  _ right _ boy.”

 

“Well if you were in his shoes and the boy you liked started dating someone else, would kissing a random hot boy fix your problem?” Harry asked, nearly floored by his relief that kissing Liam when he was upset didn’t seem to be a normal thing for Louis to do. Liam had also turned Louis down, which sold him as an official Good Person in Harry’s book.

 

“Well yeah!” Louis said. “I’d wanna move on and distract myself. There’s no use dwelling on it.” He went on to explain that he and Liam talked it out after that and they were okay and Harry tuned it out while he tried not to think about the significance of ‘there’s no use dwelling on it’ in terms of his own situation. Louis narrowed his eyes as he looked at Harry through the camera. “Are you done with your picture?”

 

“I’ll finish it tomorrow,” Harry said after a moment, trying to catch up after the whirlwind of emotions he’d just experienced. “Gonna try doing that chemistry worksheet I told you about.”

 

“Perfect,” Louis chirped, straightening up in his chair and switching his keyboard effect so that when he hit the keys it sounded like airhorns. He waggled his eyebrows. “I’m the man to ask about that kind of stuff because we’ve got such good,” he hit a low airhorn sound. “ _ chemistry _ .”

 

Harry was in love with an idiot and he didn’t even mind.

 

-

 

Christmas holidays of Harry’s grade nine year were a change in that Harry couldn’t spend his every spare second with Louis. They both had family visiting, which meant that Harry only got a sparse few texts from him during the day. Louis even missed Harry’s call for him on his birthday, leaving Harry feeling terribly rejected. He spent the better part of Christmas eve moping and watching romcoms with Gemma and cuddling with his cat, checking his phone every thirty seconds until Gemma had to physically take it away from him.

 

Louis finally texted him back after midnight so technically after his birthday, but Harry still got to FaceTime Louis for an hour. Louis was a little tipsy, pink-cheeked and giggly from the drinks he’d had with his mate Stan who had fallen asleep already on an air mattress beside Louis’ bed. Harry teased him about being old and showed off the present he’d bought for Louis which he’d wrapped himself, and Louis tried to trick Harry into telling him what it was.

 

“You’re still coming to my party, right H?” Louis asked, propping his phone on his bedside table. He rolled over onto his stomach, and the next time he spoke his voice was muffled by how his face was half-smushed into his pillow. “Haven’t got any other cool New Year’s parties to be at?”

 

“Nowhere I’d rather be than drinking and playing Scrabble with you and the club, pumpkin,” Harry replied, yawning. “That’s quite enough party for me. And anyways, you’re an old man now so I’d imagine you’ll be slowing down quite a bit, right?”

 

Louis hung up on him and Harry sent him a goofy selfie and waited until he received a picture of Louis’ little hand and middle finger back before he settled down to sleep.

 

-

 

The first thing Louis said to Harry when he arrived at his New Year’s/birthday party was how he was going to find the best person in the party to kiss by the time the clock struck twelve. This was Harry’s cue to spend the entire party scuttling around behind Louis and not letting him have a lengthy conversation with anyone besides him. (Not that that behaviour was particularly different from what he would have done any other time, but he had much more purpose when there was a possibility that Louis was going to kiss some other boy.)

 

“Come on, Lou, let’s go get another drink,” Harry said for what felt like the millionth time shortly after 11:30, tugging on Louis’ sleeve to distract him from the tall buff blond guy he was talking to. The guy kept looking down at Louis and smirking, and Louis kept giggling and looking up at him from under his lashes and Harry was having  _ none of it _ .

 

“Are you trying to get me drunk, Harold Styles?” Louis asked, but he completely dismissed the other guy and trailed along after Harry.

 

“Just want you to have a good time at your own birthday party,” Harry said, which was pretty much the same thing he had said every other time Louis asked him why he kept dragging him off to get drinks. He couldn’t very well say ‘I need to make sure you don’t find anyone to kiss by midnight because I want you to kiss me but I haven’t got my shit together enough to express that,’ now could he?

 

Getting Louis a new beer and then doing a couple rounds of shots with him ate up a few minutes. He played two games of beer pong against Niall and Jesy and then it was 11:51 and people were gathering in the room with the TV to watch the ball drop in Times Square. Surely nine minutes wasn’t long enough for Louis to find some new boy to snog for his New Year kiss.

 

And yet, it felt like Harry looked away from Louis for half a second and when he looked back Louis was practically sitting in another boy’s lap and taking a sip of the boy’s beer. Harry began to panic when he saw on the TV that it was 11:58 and Louis seemed to be pretty content with the boy he had started chatting up, touching his arm and laughing at his jokes.

 

Harry nearly gave up and resigned himself to starting a new year with Louis kissing some bloke on the sofa next to him when someone else pulled the guy’s attention away from Louis. He mumbled his apologies and got up to follow the girl who had gotten his attention and Louis looked unhappy, bitter and a little bereft once left alone. Harry scooted in closer to Louis in the sofa and slung his arm around Louis’ shoulders.

 

“One more minute, Lou,” Harry said, squeezing Louis tight and hoping he could pass it off as drunken affection.

 

“Yet another New Year without someone to kiss,” Louis lamented and Harry frowned, watching Louis watch the timer on the TV count down with a forlorn look on his face.

 

“You can always kiss me?” Harry offered, hoping he wasn’t crossing a line.

 

Louis paused a moment, and the people around them began counting down from ten along with the timer on the TV. “At least we can both go into the New Year single, right? We can be lonely together.”

 

“Sure,” Harry mumbled, cracking a smile when Louis looked up at him even though his words made Harry’s chest hurt a little.

 

“C’mere, Hazza,” Louis laughed, waiting until the clock struck midnight and their friends were cheering around them before he took Harry’s face in his hands and smacked a firm kiss right on his mouth.

 

Louis pulled back after only a second and wished their friends a happy New Year. He joked about being single still and about how his resolution was to find a man and about how Harry was cute but he tasted like tequila. Harry, however, felt like he would never stop marveling at the tingling of his lips where Louis’ had been pressed against his.

 

-

 

The first time Harry met Kyle it was in the middle of July. He was a boy from the year above Louis and Louis had invited him along to see a movie with them. Zayn was there too so it wasn’t like Harry was necessarily stuck with Louis and some other boy while they flirted shamelessly with each other, but Zayn was stoned out of his mind so basically Harry wanted to puke.

 

Louis’ mum drove everyone home after the movie and she even went so far as to assume that Harry was coming back to their place to hang out with Louis and probably stay for dinner since that was a pretty typical Saturday evening for them. Harry was content with it, and he loved that he was so familiar with Louis and his family that his mum assumed that they would be hanging out after the movie.

 

Instead, Louis said; “Mum, is it okay if I go over to Kyle’s place for dinner tonight? He already texted his parents, and they say it’s okay.”

 

The little crinkle between Louis’ mum’s eyebrows echoed the hurt Harry felt when he listened to them discuss it. They settled on a plan and Kyle chuckled as he promised to have Louis home by midnight, and before Harry knew it, they had already dropped Zayn off and were pulling up to his house. He was mumbled his goodbyes while he got out of the car. Louis turned and offered him a dazzlingly gorgeous smile and promised to text him later and call him in the morning.

 

(The texts later were composed entirely of Louis gushing about how cute Kyle was and how much he liked him. The call in the morning was to shriek to Harry that Kyle had asked Louis to be his boyfriend and that Louis had said yes. Harry pretended to be happy and once he was off the phone he made a weak attempt to smother himself with one of his pillows before his mum called him down to help her with breakfast.)

 

Louis’ romance with Kyle was excruciating. Harry wasn’t even bitter or anything, they were just plain  _ annoying _ . Suddenly Kyle was in on all their group’s social gatherings which meant that Harry had to watch him hold hands with Louis and call him babe and touch him and kiss him and they were just a little bit  _ much _ . Public displays of affection were gross to begin with, and when it was some wanker like Kyle, Harry had no patience for it.

 

For some unknown reason, no one else seemed to be bothered by Kyle being around every second they all hung out together. He played ukulele, and Niall liked jamming with him. Zayn and Liam loved talking about geeky stuff with him, and him and the girls were always listening to music and showing each other new bands and songs. It seemed like everyone just loved Kyle and that Harry was the only one who saw him as annoying and shady and  _ bad for Louis _ .

 

Louis even tried to tell him about the first time they had sex but Harry got out of that conversation with the awkward but effective excuse of having diarrhea. Though it had put Louis off of talking about sex things, nothing would ever take away the graphic images of Louis and Kyle, naked and writhing together, that plagued Harry’s mind every time he closed his eyes.

 

They dated for the majority of the summer, and then one humid afternoon in the middle of August, their relationship ended as abruptly as it began. They were a little short with each other for about a week, and Louis didn’t talk about him at all when he talked to Harry, which Harry considered a blessing. But then it was over, and Louis didn’t even seem sad. Kyle even changed schools, and Louis just shrugged it off when someone mentioned it to him. Harry felt a little vindictive about that. Clearly Louis hadn’t liked him half as much as he’d thought if he wasn’t even sad that they broke up.

 

“Single again then, eh?” Louis asked, sighing deeply as he slumped down into the grass on Harry’s lawn. He was a little high; Harry could smell it on him and see the haziness in his eyes. That was his state of a typical afternoon after he’d finished his shift at Toys R Us during the day though, which further proved that he literally could not give a single shit about Kyle. “I’m honestly surprised by how little I care about it.”

 

“Must mean he wasn’t the guy for you,” Harry said quietly, plucking blades of grass out of the lawn. He made a peaceful little pile in front of him, but he knew that if Louis’ wasn’t stoned he would be trying to shove handfuls of grass down Harry’s shirt.

 

“Yep,” Louis replied, popping the ‘p’ and letting his eyes flutter closed. He looked radiant in the setting sun, and Harry knew he’d fallen in love with the right one. He lazed for a moment, soaking up the sun and warmth contentedly, before he spoke up again, raspy and soft. “At least I’ve still got you, Haz.”

 

“You’ll always have me, Lou,” Harry replied, grinning at the sky when Louis’ hand reached toward him and found him, slotting their fingers together.

 

-

 

Summer ended, and school was back. Zayn and Louis were suspiciously absent from the first couple of GSA meetings. Harry asked Jesy and Leigh-Anne where Louis was, and they said he’d be back in the next couple of days. They both returned on the same day, but Perrie and Jade were missing then.

 

“So… Zayn and Perrie broke up,” Louis announced, eyes glued to Zayn where he sat with his shoulders slouched and fidgeting with the sleeves of his hoodie where they engulfed his hands. “They’re not mortal enemies or anything; things are just a little awkward right now but they’ll get back to normal soon.” He eyed Zayn for a moment, then went on. “It was a mutual thing, and we’re not going to talk about it unless Zayn or Perrie starts the conversation.”

 

No one spoke, and Louis kept looking at Zayn until he broke, sitting up straight and letting out a long breath. “Speaking of,” Zayn’s voice cracked. He cleared his throat before he spoke again. “Speaking of starting conversations,” he began again. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and a lot of self discovery or whatever and part of the reason that me and Perrie broke up is that I am pretty sure I’m asexual?” The pitch of his voice rose at the end, like he was asking a question. “And, don’t-” he cut himself off, cringing a little. “Don’t take that as Perrie having a problem with me being asexual. We had other problems aside from that, I promise. Please don’t treat her any differently because of it.”

 

Everyone mumbled their apologies and shouted their congratulations and crowded around Zayn to hug him and muss up his hair. He laughed loudly and smiled widely and he had tears in the corners of his eyes as they fussed over him. They spent the remainder of their lunch period sharing a pack of ‘congrats on coming out’ cookies that Louis had gone and picked up from the cafeteria. Harry had chocolate in his hair and crumbs down the back of his shirt before long but he felt like he was glowing.

 

They cleaned up their lunches and the garbage from their little celebration, then all went their separate ways for class, including Liam who called ‘Zayn, can I please talk to you about something?’ after Zayn as they walked off together to their gym class. Louis and Harry shared a knowing look as they split up to make their way to their respective classes as well.

 

-

 

The summer between Harry's grade ten and eleven years was like a dream come true for Harry. Not only was Louis single for the summer for the first time since they'd met, but he was working at a shop very close to the bakery where Harry had started working.

This meant that they not only walked to work together when their shifts coincided, but they also spent their breaks together and hung out at the other's work during any spare time when one of them wasn't working while the other was. Louis would come to the bakery, and Harry would mess up icing cupcakes on purpose just so he could give them to Louis. One of the ladies at the shop called him on it once and he apologized profusely for his mistake but he kept doing it, if only for the way that Louis' face lit up when Harry handed him a cupcake with a less-than perfect rose iced onto it.

In return, Louis snuck Harry into the theatre where he worked, and they watched movies together. It was like any other time they'd spent together since they had always loved getting a bunch of snacks together and marathoning a bunch of movies in Harry's room, but this was like that times ten. They would pick a film and go early on a weekday. Louis would charm a coworker out of two huge buckets of popcorn and a drink for them to share and then they would go between the different screens all day until they were falling asleep in their seats. It was the best summer Harry had ever had, without a doubt.

After work some days, Louis would suggest that they go to the beach, so they would pack a bag full of towels and snacks and take the bus down to the beach. They'd slather sunscreen on each other and spend the day playing in the water and soaking up the sun, skin feeling tight and slightly burned by the end of the day when they got back on the bus. Harry would fall asleep on Louis' sun-warmed golden shoulder and only wake up when Louis shook him for their stop. They'd go back to Harry's place since it was closer to the bus stop and then fall asleep again in lounge chairs in Harry's backyard.

As if all that wasn't enough to make that summer an impossibly good period of time, Louis also encouraged Harry to wear whatever clothes he was comfortable with and to present in the way that he wanted to. It started out with Louis bringing two bottles of nail polish over to his place one afternoon when neither of them had to work.

"Lottie left these in my room," Louis said, shrugging as he held the bottles out to Harry. "I asked if she wanted them back, and she told me to just give them to one of the girls." He idly ran his thumb over the shimmery pink bottle. "This colour reminded me of you though, so you can have it if you want."

Harry's hand shook slightly when he took the bottles from Louis, and he stared down at his lap as he turned them over in his hands. One bottle was pale pink and the other was white and Harry immediately knew what he wanted to do with them.

He took a deep breath and opened the bottle of pink polish, pulling the brush out and watching the material drip back into the bottle. He watched this for a moment and then looked up to see Louis still watching him, blue eyes fixed on his face and not where he held the bottle shakily. He looked back down at his hands and dipped the brush back into the bottle, taking it back out to start applying the polish to his left thumbnail. He cursed when his hands shook and he nearly dropped the brush.

"Oh, babe," Louis sighed, and before Harry knew it his fingers were enclosing Harry's, coaxing the brush and the bottle from his hands. Louis dipped the brush in the polish and set the bottle down on the floor beside Harry's bed, then gingerly took Harry's hand in his free one. Louis then began to quickly but effectively apply pale pink polish to Harry's nails. "Here. I paint my sisters' nails all the time. No offense, but it hurt me a little to watch you do it."

That got a weak chuckle out of Harry, and he hoped his hand wasn't sweating profusely while Louis was holding it. Louis chatted away idly about how he wanted to go to the mall in a couple days, and Harry listened in silence, feeling his anxiety over the situation drain out of him as Louis made progress painting his nails. He switched to Harry's right hand and mused about how he maybe wanted to try putting highlights in his hair while he finished up the base coat. He inspected Harry's left hand and then set about doing a second coat. He finished the second coat on both hands and seemed satisfied with it.

"Lou," Harry said quietly, biting his lip when Louis looked up at him. "Can you do... white polka dots?" he asked, chin dropped to his chest and eyes locked with his dainty painted nails.

Louis left him for a second and Harry was instantly seized with the horror of rejection, but Louis only rummaged around in Harry's desk drawer for a second before he came back with a bobby pin. He opened the white nail polish and dipped the brush in, then poked the bobby pin against the wet polish and started pressing polka dots onto the surface of Harry's nails.

Soon enough Louis was done and sat back, grinning in satisfaction as he capped the bottles of the nail polish again. “There. Wanna go get ice cream?” he asked, and so they went and got ice cream.

The nail polish thing was just the start. That summer was the summer of Harry growing his hair out and Louis helping him braid it. He looked at femme clothes in secret online and occasionally sent links to Louis, asking things like 'what do you think about this?' and 'do you think I could pull this off?' and Louis always gave him honest advice without judging him about it.

_ there's an h&m in our mall _ , Louis said one day after Harry had linked him half a dozen items from H&M's website.  _ why don't we go sometime and you can try some stuff on? _

 

That was how Harry found himself in the dressing room at H&M with a veritable mountain of clothes piled up on the bench for him to try on. He paced the short length of the dressing room a couple times, gnawing his lip as he contemplated just bailing on Louis. He was sure Louis would understand if Harry explained to him that he was feeling too anxious about the whole situation, but he also really wanted this and wanted Louis to see him being brave and conquering this. He was snapped from his thoughts when Louis rapped at the door sharply but gently.

 

"Are you okay, H?" he asked,. "If you don't want to do this we can go back to your house and watch movies. Don't feel pressured to do this for me, okay?"

 

"No, I'm fine," Harry sighed and stripped down to his boxers, plucking a black lace romper off the top of the pile. He turned it around a few times to try and sort out how it was meant to be put on, then settled on stepping into it and pulling it up like a leotard. From the first second the fabric touched his skin, Harry felt settled; the lace smooth and soft in a way that most of the boys' clothes he owned were not.

 

Finally the romper was on, and he took a deep breath before he inspected himself in the mirror. The dark lace of the garment contrasted with his skin really well, and his eyes looked greener with the dark fabric. He thought for a moment before he pulled his hair up onto a bun and smirked in satisfaction. Having his hair up made his neck look long and graceful and the cut of the bodice made his waist look tiny. He fidgeted with the fabric, running his fingers along the embroidered edges of the leg holes, before Louis knocked again and shook him out of his trance.

 

"Do you like anything?" Louis asked softly, clearly trying not to put too much pressure on Harry. "It's empty out here if you wanted to..."

 

Harry unlatched the changeroom door and stepped out to show Louis before he changed his mind or lost his nerve. He kept his eyes glued to the floor, feeling shame wash over him when Louis didn't say anything.

 

"Harry," Louis breathed, and Harry was so disarmed by his tone that he finally looked up and met Louis' gaze, which then flicked down to sweep over his body. His expression was nothing short of reverent. "You look beautiful."

 

Harry flushed and turned to look at himself in the full length mirror that was on the door of his changing room. He smoothed his hands down his front, turning this way and that and pointedly not making eye contact with Louis in the mirror. He was feeling bowled over by the support Louis was giving him and wondered what he had ever done to end up with such an incredible friend.

 

That day Harry tried on a huge pile of things and got rave reviews on every single one. He bought the romper and a pink and black floral sundress and hid them in the back of his closet. He only wore them when he was home alone or when Louis was over which was frequently. By the end of the summer he felt like he wanted to talk to their friends about the self-realization he had done and so he did, two weeks before school started again.

 

Louis held Harry's hand and encouraged him through it as he told his group of friends that he was non-binary. They were all fairly clear on what that meant but Harry still needed to explain, to tell them what it meant in the context of him specifically. He explained how he loved feeling pretty and soft and that he'd been really stifling that part of himself for quite a while.

 

Almost in unison, his friends rushed in and hugged him, offering their support and their love, and he felt truly at home in his own skin for the first time in a long time. Soon they had formed a cuddle pile on the well-maintained grass of Harry’s backyard and Harry sighed and let his eyes flutter shut, content.

“’arreh,” Zayn said, and Harry opened his eyes to see Zayn sitting up propped up on his elbow. “What pronouns do you want us to use?” he asked.

Harry let out a deep breath through his nose. “They/them,” they replied, and it felt like the last puzzle piece slotting into its proper place.

 

-

 

**THIS IS WHERE THE 26/17 SCENE STARTS. SKIP IT IF YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP. THERE IS ALSO IMPLIED RAPE IN THIS SCENE SO CARRY ON WITH CAUTION.**

 

When Harry was in grade eleven, Louis met a boy at the vet. He’d had to bring his puppy in for his shots and the vet tech student on field placement at the clinic flirted with him enough to get his number. His name was Luke, and he was twenty-six years old and in college, which Harry and the majority of the GSA told Louis was really bad and unhealthy, Louis maintained that he was old enough and mature enough to handle this.

 

The worst part about Luke was that he was a twenty-six year old dating a teenager. The fact that it meant that Louis almost never hung out with Harry outside of school was almost as bad. Luke liked Louis to come to his dorm and hang out with him and his college buddies and do whatever college aged vet tech students did. All Harry knew was that Luke took Louis back to his house for pizza and a film for their first date and had sex with him that night and before the date Louis swore up and down that he wouldn’t do that. Harry didn’t ask him about it, but Louis was uncharacteristically quiet when he came to school the next day, and Harry couldn’t help but worry.

 

Luke never wanted Louis to hang out with his own friends, and he also wasn’t interested in meeting them, even though Louis maintained that he wanted them all to hang out sometime, Luke was just “so busy.” Luke was so busy, in fact, that Louis always had to rearrange his own schedule and sometimes even skipped class to spend time with him. Harry couldn’t be sure, of course, but they were pretty much certain that Luke had never once made any attempt to accommodate Louis’ homework or social life because high school was less important than his vet tech program. Harry hoped a dog bit him or something.

 

The only small comfort in the situation was that unlike the case with Kyle, the rest of the club agreed with Harry that Louis’ relationship with Luke was unhealthy. A month into them dating, Liam and Zayn caught Harry near their locker after school, after Luke had already come to pick Louis up, and Harry was packing up to mope miserably home.

 

“Harry, we need to talk to you,” Liam said. “It’s about Louis.”

 

“What about him?” Harry asked, really hoping to avoid talking about Louis with Liam and Zayn. They already spent every second of their life thinking about Louis, who obviously didn’t want them; obviously wanted college boys with stupid haircuts and  _ cars _ .

 

“Well - it’s less about him and more about his boyfriend,” Liam clarified and Harry felt ill at the mention.

 

“I don’t know what you want to talk about,” Harry said, hastily shoving their things in their bag and closing their locker. “It’s Louis’ relationship and he can do what he w-”

 

“Harry, cut the bullshit,” Zayn said suddenly, and it was his uncharacteristic boldness that had Harry paying attention. They could see Liam place his hand on Zayn’s shoulder, physically trying to calm him. “We both know that you’re head over heels for Louis, and it’s killing you to see him in such a gross relationship with someone who’s using him like this.”

 

“I don’t know what you want me to do,” Harry sighed. “I don’t control him. He does whatever he wants.”

 

“You can talk to him,” Liam suggested. “Louis’ only seventeen, and I know he thinks he’s got it all figured out but just because Luke isn’t forty doesn’t make him any less of a pervert. He’s taking advantage of Louis, whether Louis wants to admit it or not.”

 

Harry eventually agreed to talk to Louis about it the next time they saw him and Liam and Zayn left them alone, leaving them to walk home by themself and contemplate how they were going to approach Louis about this.

 

They didn’t end up having to talk to Louis about it just then because that night after school Louis called them in tears telling them that Niall told him that Perrie told him that Jesy and Leigh-Anne went to see a movie and saw Luke snogging some other guy at the cinema. On Thursday Luke was an asshole and Louis never wanted to see or hear from him again, but then Luke picked Louis up from school on Monday.

 

_ i was just being dramatic _ , Louis told Harry when he texted them that night.  _ he said he’s sorry and that he’ll never do it again. he told me he loves me h :) _

 

The other two times he cheated on Louis before they broke up for the last time around Christmas Luke said that exact same thing; that he was sorry and that he’d never do it again. Harry wondered why Louis kept forgiving him, but they supposed that if Louis had feelings for Luke like what Harry felt for Louis, they would forgive him for anything.

 

“I just wish boys liked me,” Louis said, voice thick with tears which wet the fabric of Harry’s shirt where he had his head laid on Harry’s chest. Harry cuddled him close, petting Louis’ hair and rubbing his back to soothe him.

 

“Boys do like you,” Harry said.  _ Too much _ , they thought.

 

“Then why have I only had two boyfriends, and they’ve both been shit?” Louis asked, breaking out in sobs again and turning his bury his face in Harry’s chest. His nose dug into Harry’s collarbone a bit but they just squeezed Louis tighter.

 

“You’re only seventeen, Lou,” Harry said, ignoring how Louis mumbled ‘almost eighteen,’ into their shirt. “You’ve got your whole life to find the person you’re meant to be with.”

 

Louis sighed deeply, shifting Harry’s arms around him as he did so. “Why can’t I find someone like you, Harry? You’re the nicest person I know.”

 

Harry didn’t comment on that, just cuddled Louis and fed him tea and ice cream when he got weepy again.

 

**26/17 SCENE IS OVER, CARRY ON**

 

-

 

Shortly after graduating grade twelve, Louis announced that he had decided to do an extra year of high school and work part time at the theatre while he decided what he wanted to do in college. That meant that all summer Tuesday nights they had a standing movie date where Louis got them in for free and they stuffed themselves full of popcorn and whispered to each other throughout the entire film, Louis’ breath warm and humid as his lips brushed Harry’s ear. Louis’ mum also managed to buy him a beaten up old car for a graduation present so it was like the world opened up before them. They drove to the beach and to the park and on day trips to the city and to the drive-in theatre where they always fell asleep before the sun came up.

 

When school came back it was a bit weird because Jesy and Leigh-Anne had gone to college after graduating so the vibe of the club felt different but it wasn’t so bad when Harry still had all their other friends to keep the club fun and active. Most of the term blew by and soon enough they were off for Christmas break and Harry was looking through CDs at the record store in the mall to find something to give Louis for his birthday and Christmas.

 

Harry was trying to decide between two old Green Day CDs when they heard someone clear their throat from next to them. They looked up and was met with the sheepish face of Louis’ ex Kyle, who gave a little wave and rocked on the balls of his feet awkwardly. Harry tried not to let their unpleasant opinion of Kyle sour their voice when they said, “Oh. Kyle. Hey.”

 

“Hey Harry. I almost didn’t recognize you for a second; you’ve gotten so tall and your hair is so long,” he chuckled

 

Harry let their hackles down a bit. He was being really nice so Harry would extend the same respect. “Yeah. It’s been like three years, right?”

 

“Sometime like that,” he replied. He smiled at Harry and fell silent for a moment; it was just edging into being awkward before Kyle laughed and spoke again. “Kind of awkward, but I need to know: are you and Louis still together?”

 

“Er - what?”

 

“You and Louis got together after I dumped him, right?” Kyle asked, frowning as he took in Harry’s surprise. “I just figured that was the next logical step seeing as he was in love with you.”

 

“No - no, he wasn’t,” Harry stammered, and Kyle shook his head.

 

“That’s why I dumped him, Harry. He never stopped talking about you and he sometimes ditched me to hang out with you. He even ignored me to pay attention to you when we were all hanging out together.” He bit his lip. “He’s proper smitten with you, mate.”

 

Harry didn’t reply to that, too shocked to address it and mumbled their way through the rest of the conversation with Kyle until he eventually realized that he wasn’t going to get any further in interacting with Harry so he awkwardly said goodbye and left. Harry picked up the last CD they had been looking at before Kyle started talking to them and stumbled to the cash, paying for it and leaving the store in a daze, tripping on a rack of band t-shirts on their way out.

 

-

 

Harry didn’t talk to Louis right away. They had to sit on the information because they just couldn’t have that conversation over text or the phone. They needed to be with Louis, to see the way his throat bobbed when he swallowed and his chest tensed when he breathed. It wasn’t something only wanted to experience one side of, so they carried on texting Louis like they would normally, but every time they saw their phone light up with a message they felt anxiety chewing at the edge of their consciousness.

 

Harry tried to think of times when they could hang out with Louis to talk about it but no time seemed right - could they confront Louis and confess their feelings they had been hiding for as long as they could remember while they were just hanging out watching films? It seemed like too monumental a moment for just any setting or atmosphere. Would Louis reject them if the moment felt off? Would be reject Harry no matter what? Had Kyle been wrong in thinking that Louis was in love with Harry? Harry wanted to find out but they were also terrified of either outcome.

 

December 31st rolled around and Louis’ usual birthday/New Years party was upon them and Harry couldn’t avoid Louis any longer. The holidays gave them an opportunity to consider their options, but they actually just spent the time freaking out and typing up and deleting slightly hysterical texts.

 

Louis stopped everything he was doing to give Harry a huge hug and kissed their cheek when they arrived at the party. Louis smelled like weed and he was warm and familiar and Harry sunk into him gladly. They had missed Louis over the Christmas break while they’d both been busy with family and for just a second Harry felt the anxiety seep out of them. They rethought their plan again, considering if they were willing to risk losing their friendship with Louis based on what Kyle had told them.

 

“I missed you, Harry,” Louis mumbled into Harry’s hair as he squeezed them tight.

 

“Missed you too, Lou,” Harry said, clearing their throat when their voice came out croaky. “Now get me a drink and I’ll tell you about my holiday.” They said, as if they hadn’t been texting Louis non-stop and updating him on everything they had been up to.

 

Louis grinned and held Harry’s hand, dragging them into the kitchen where all the drinks were kept.

 

A few drinks later, it was past eleven and Harry still hadn’t spoken to Louis about what Kyle had told them, even though they had been glued to each other’s side and had barely interacted with anyone else at the party despite it being Louis’ party with his friends. Every time someone came up to them to try and talk to Louis, Louis exchanged the briefest conversation he could with them before paying attention to Harry again; Harry felt like his heart could burst.

 

At two minutes to twelve, Louis looked at the clock mounted on the wall in the living room and chuckled. “Looks like this will be another year of our usual New Year’s tradition.”

 

“What’s what?” Harry asked, somewhat confused but dazzled by the shininess of Louis’ eyes.

 

“Ever since we met, you’ve been my first kiss each New Year,” Louis replied. He frowned after a moment. “Though this might be our last year for it,” he commented.

 

“What? Why?” Harry stammered, feeling cold and drunk and scared and panicky all of a sudden.

 

“Well we’re both going to college next year,” Louis explained, slower than Harry was used to hearing him and somewhat melancholy. “We’ll probably make new friends and go to college parties and all that,” he said, fixing his fringe even though it was perfect in a move that he usually did when he was upset but didn’t want people to know.

 

“That won’t happen!” Harry insisted, emboldened by the sudden urgency of the situation. “No matter what new people I meet at college, I’m still going to want to spend time with you!”

 

Louis scoffed. “You say that now, but once you get out of this town and meet different people, the last thing you’ll want to do is hang out with your old best mate from high school,” he sniffed a little, staring determinedly at the floor. “You’ll probably get yourself a boyfriend a week into school, and that’ll be it.”

 

“I don’t  _ want _ a boyfriend, Louis! I want  _ you _ !” Harry felt like they were practically shouting but in the bustle of the approaching New Year, their voice just faded into the rest of the voices around them. Harry was painfully aware that this was one of those not-the-right-place places that they didn’t want to confess their feelings for Louis in, but they’d already started so there was no going back.

 

Before they could back out or put it off any longer, Harry took Louis’ hands in both of theirs and looked deep into his eyes. Around them, their friends had started counting down from twenty, but Harry barely noticed. Louis watched them, obviously confused but not pulling away or frightened by their touch. Even in this, Louis was there for them, waiting patiently for them to get out the difficult thing they had needed to say over the course of their friendship with Louis.

 

“I want to be with you, Lou,” Harry said between the fifteenth and fourteenth counts. “I’m stupidly, hopelessly, head over heels in love with you, and I’m fairly confident that you feel the same way for me.”

 

Louis stared at Harry, slack-jawed until it was ten seconds to midnight, the clamour around them only building in intensity but Harry still heard Louis’ words loud and clear. “How did you know…?”

 

“I ran into Kyle, and he told me why he broke up with you,” Harry replied, heart jumping into their throat when Louis crawled into their lap and cradled their face in his hands. “He told me that you’re in love with me too.”

 

“He’s right. I’ll kill him,” Louis said, his body a warm solid perfect weight on top of Harry. Harry’s hands settled on Louis’ hips almost of their own volition. They clutched at Louis’ sides when the shouting around them reached a fever pitch and champagne bottles popped and fizzed and Louis stooped down to kiss Harry, his hands still framing their face.

 

This kiss was like the other kisses they’d had on New Year’s but better in every single way, from its sweet and chaste beginnings to how it became deep and hot in seconds. Harry hadn’t had the chance to kiss very many people when their whole world was centered on Louis, but they were sure that they never wanted to kiss anyone else for the rest of their life. They got in a good snog, unbothered by the revelry around them, until they had to part for breath. Louis panted and leaned his forehead in against Harry’s, nuzzling their noses together while they shared the same air.

 

“On second thought, I’m gonna send him a fruit basket,” Louis said, grinning against Harry’s own smile when they drew him back down into another kiss. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! hmu up [tumblr](http://thepriestthinksitsthedevil.tumblr.com/) or leave a comment and let me know what you think!


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